The price of nice

You're too nice. You're the nicest person I know. Ugh, how are you so nice?

This is not to brag, because I'm not saying what it sounds like I'm saying - that I'm simply just too kind of a person - I'm really not. These are words I've heard from the world ever since I was a child. These words that somehow began and perpetuated the notion of me presenting to the public as this calm, quiet, rational, fair individual who will bend to harmony rather than chaos. I see both sides, I understand everyone, I will keep everyone at peace. I won't rock the boat. I won't have an opinion too offensive to any one person. I just want everyone to be content with me. Perhaps this internal niceness epidemic was just people-pleasing at it's absolute cruel core.

Well, I grew up into this individual who still tries to mediate in every situation so that everyone feels included, everyone feels content. And so, I am always remembered as the nice one. The one who appears too naive to think that people can have bad intentions. The one who everyone assumes has a head full of garden gnomes and toxicly positive thoughts about everything. I promise you, I do not. I just think that I let a lifetime of being called 'nice' overshadow and diminish the rest of my personality, so that it's all I'm remembered by when I'm not in the room. The complexity of who I am as an individual behind closed doors has been reduced to being this agreeable and polite person who will never cause conflict and you will always be safe around.

I used to think my kindness was one of my best traits, something I should be proud to be known for, becuase that's what I was told, and that's what the yearbooks said "You're so nice". But then I realized that I didn't agree with that. Kindness is a baseline, isn't it? Being called nice is kind of a cop out for a real understanding of who I am. Isn't kindness just the bare minimum? Being nice and considerate is part of who I am, sure. It's part of who a lot of people are, yet it's not how they're remembered- and it's not what I want to be known for either. I actually do have a personality, and I decided I want people to see me, as flawed as I am- the person that comes out when I get really comfortable and the barrier between the thoughts in my head and the outside world drops. When I speak before overthinking. When I don't have to mask any part of my personality. The person who speaks up and shares the opinions she has in her head instead of protecting those around her at the expense of her voice being heard.

Because I do have opinions. And I can be judgmental when I feel threatened. I can be loud and annoying. I'm stubborn when I don't get my way. I disappear when I'm upset or hurt. But I am also considerate and thoughtful. I will go out of my way to make people feel included. I care what people think about me, but at the same time I'm learning that I don't. I'm figuring out how to be more intentional with the way I show up for people. I used to tolerate being treated like an option, but thats the old me. To be authentic is to recognize the multi-facetedness of how we are as people, and that negative traits don't negate positive ones. Complexity is not the enemy, passivity is.

There are times when I know my niceness is appreciated and sought out, other times when it feels like it's being called out as an insult, as crazy as that sounds. 'You're too nice,' but what I'm really saying is that it's boring that you won't gossip with me.

Anyway, yes, I'll always be nice. But I'm also kind of a bitch.

xx

Andie